I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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