my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize