happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize