I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
