4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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