I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
