wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
