I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
