If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
