My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
