My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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