I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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