I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
