Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
