dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
