I can tuck mytits in my pants
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
