I like my sex mixed with concussions.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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