i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
