Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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