So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
