I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
