The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I'm jealous of your bromance
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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