Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
