Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
