If that was your dad, he is hot
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
