Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Pants are for mortals
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
