so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
