Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
