how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
