I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
