I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
