I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
