Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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