you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
