he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So much rum. So many feels.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
