Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
