Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
