you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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