I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
