I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
