Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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