went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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