I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The air was thick with penises
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
