i jhust puked up my retainher.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
