my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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