I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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