DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I said "one day" and that day is not today
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I did not marry a roomba.
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