I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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