So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
