my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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