Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She announced her abortion via fbk
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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