I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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