i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
