sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
