Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Randomize
