Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
