even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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