I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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