I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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