I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Alive.
So much puke
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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