You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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