My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
