How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
The best revenge is premature balding
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
